Freeing myself

I finally did it!!

I committed to deleting my Facebook account all together.

I’m freeing myself from that trap of crap!!

So far, I don’t feel any more out of touch than I did while I was “connected”.

At least now the communication and interaction I do have with people will be true and genuine.

The time I’ve wasted scrolling…. Reading negative junk or comparing myself to those who seem to have it all together. Holy shit!! Time I will never get back.

It’s time to focus on myself and my family and friends. The real deal. The real reasons for living.

And scrolling through Facebook was not living.

Trying something new

One day I took the kids to find something to pass the time other than some sort of electronics. We ended up at our favorite store, Dollar General.

I should buy stock in DG because I would then be giving myself a ton of money.

Anyways…We stumbled on the craft section and found some Art Skills products. We grabbed some artist pads and a charcoal and graphite pencil set and went on.

Well guess who never used their new art supplies? My kids.

We went camping for their fall break and I decided to break those bad boys out and give it a shot.

This is what I came up with.

I’ve always been drawn to “depression” art. It may seem dark, but to me it is enlightening. It reminds me to go outside and sit in the sunshine.

The first is the original. And the second is using some fancy filter that I thought looked cool. Don’t ask me which one it was though.

Parent failure

Parenting is hard a hell. And it is nothing like I thought it would be. I grew up with a mother who watched what we ate because she knew it had a HUGE impact on how we felt and acted. And that was back in the mid-70s until, at least, the early 90s. Back when kids weren’t “diagnosed” with anything except being an asshole.
When I had kids I fully believed I could be like my mother. A parent who makes meals and has plenty of food in the pantry. A parent who is cautious about what their kids are consuming. A parent who has breakfast, lunch, and dinner already made. 

But HELL no. I’m no where near being anything like my mother. I failed that years ago. 

People will say that it’s my work schedule and just how times have changed. But I know deep down it is because I gave up. I quit doing what I know is best for my kids because it is just easier. I’m gone 24 hours at a time and my ideas about food and how they influence behavior are stupid. And that’s just that. It was a constant battle and I gave up. 

Like I usually do, I made some dinner tonight. They have snacked all day because that is how we do it. But dinner is usually a meat and some vegetables. I fix it, they eat it. Just not together at a table. Tonight I got it started and what did they do? They at dinner with their little neighborhood buddy while they were next door. 

As much as I wanted certain things, they just haven’t been established and probably never will be. It’s impossible when there are two opposing forces in a home along with everything else that life throws your way.

I realize my kids will survive. I understand that they won’t be totally warped by the lack of a solid routine and dinner at the table. But damn it would be nice. 

Reality bites

​My great friend, Beth, told me yesterday to try and start putting some positive thinking in my head and maybe that would help. 

I swear I’m trying. But it’s 0720 and I’m already thinkin’ that “positive” just ain’t happenin’ today. “Realistic” is where I’m at. Reality is what we are exposed to every time we work.

Last shift we easily could have been blown up when workers hit a 4″ gas main right next to the court house….where a majority of the clients take smoke breaks. I managed to piss off some court officers, several citizens, and a judge. They had no idea what kind of situation we were in. I told them all to Google “natural gas explosion”. Reality is, that shit’s no joke and it only takes one spark. There may have been 10 sparks that happen before the one who blows us to kingdom come. 

This morning I heard about a 4 month old child died while in a hot-as-hell vehicle ALL DAY. The only positives of that situation was I wasn’t physically there and the other two toddlers with her survived. His little body was 110 degrees and he had gnats around his nose when our firefighters got to him. Reality is that people suck and we want to beat the shit out of them but can’t.

I had a fire investigation case, that I will someday blog about, where a mother killed her kids. Those sweet babies never got justice. The DA at the time was a sissy. That case has been reviewed 4 more time and no one but me has the balls to run with it. But because my title isn’t “homicide detective” I’m not allowed. Reality is sometimes you just have to accept what won’t ever happen.

I have a friend who is THE most positive human being I know. She is such a bright light of happiness and hope. She’s only 38 years old and she’s been diagnosed with Stage 4 Breast Cancer.  Only a couple of months after being diagnosed she was bald and had a double mastectomy…yet is still the fun and loving woman. Reality is that cancer is a random beast that can kill. But it always kills way of life. 

Then there was the “natural mama” who spent all of her time making sure her kids got nothing but the cleanest and purest form of anything that touched or went into their bodies. A tractor-trailer slammed into her mini-van and they were dead within seconds. Reality is that those kids probably never got to enjoy a sip of Coca-Cola or Kool-aid and they died anyways. (This is not meant to be slam against natural mamas!! They are awesome and should be proud of their efforts to keep their families as healthy as possible!)

I could go on and on and on with examples of reality. I have way too many.

I do try every day to see the positive in things. Positive and good does exist!! There is incredible reality that brings nothing but pure joy. 

That joy is what you should cling to. 

Workin’ on it

Today has been a hum-dinger and it is only 13:30. That means I’m only 6 1/2 hours into a 24 hour shift.

I just talked to a close friend and she told me to try and change my outlook to something positive.

So here is a quote I came up with that seems pretty positive. Now to just try and follow it. Ha!