I’m so tired of feeling lost. Wandering around in different directions. All these ideas, yet no idea how to follow any type of organized plan. Every day my brain is different. It’s either all in, shut down, or all over the place.
I have everything I need except what? I don’t even know what to name what I’m missing.
Is it motivation? Is it desire? Is it education? Is it luck? Is it money?
I have all the time in the world, yet most days I waste it because I can’t overcome being overwhelmed. It is so defeating. Especially knowing how I once was.
Am I lazy? Am I just stupid? Am I worthless now?
That’s what it feels like on days like today. Which occur more than not.
Overwhelmed. Defeated. Negative. Why does my brain automatically go rotten on me?
I know 100 ways that can help fix my brain, yet I do none of them consistently. I have no schedule. I have no direction. I have no idea how to get myself motivated and focused for longer than a day, at most.
I don’t pity myself and I don’t want pity. I want to figure out what my problem is. I have so much more to give to myself, my family, my friends, and the world.
This feeling makes me reclusive. Hiding from the world. Disconnecting. Disassociating. Very few friends. Not much relationship with my outside family. Weird relationships with my children. Boring relationship with my husband. No real connections to anyone. NONE of which is any fault of theirs! It’s all me.
All I truly want to do is move to the woods and spend my days talking to trees and plants. How disconnected is that? I guess it’s a good thing that I will never have my shit together enough to buy some land.
Yep. I’m losing it despite having done that already. I guess it is a continuous thing once you get there. I’ve been come good at it. So good, it has become uncomfortably comfortable.