Would I even listen?

What would I tell myself if I could go back to when I was teenager and face myself with all this wisdom I have? What advice would I give myself?

I look out my window at the bare trees hoping to maybe find an answer there because that is how far from an answer to that question that I am in the moment. Despite thinking or saying all the time “If only I had known that growing up…”, when it comes to putting an answer into documented form, I draw a blank.

CPTSD brains do that sometimes. Go blank. So I decided to spend the day reading other #bloganuary posts to broaden my thinking and trigger my own ideas. I’m not even sure if I would be giving myself advice or knowledge at this point. “What would I say?” is being overshadowed by “Will the ‘teen-me’ even listen to the ‘now-me’?”

Would you? Would you listen to your now-self if they showed up? Two exactly same yet undeniably different people trying to relate sounds super awkward, to be honest. Now-me can do awkward. I can do scary. I can do inner reflection. I can do criticism. But would now-me even be able to converse with teen-me?

Diving into other peoples blogs to steal ideas (kidding!!!) has been so mind-broadening and has opened new neurological pathways which means blog ideas. I feel I can relate to the fundementals of each blog I read. I would share all of the ideas, advice, input everyone has shared because it’s all so relatable and relevant.

But I can’t help but be drawn to the question “Would teen-me even listen?”. I imagine myself conversing the topic with teen-me and asking myself “Would I even listen to this?”. I feel that the teen-me would only think something was relevant if it could be applied to that point in my life. Because I envision teen-me telling the now-me that, “I would never do that.” “That’s not how I am.” “I’ll remember when the time comes.”

@wrookieschU shares wonderfully the things that would make future life so much more bearable. So many great and thoughful things that hit home. “Don’t let small minded people define you”. If you expand your mind then you realize this is huge! It can be applied to probably 75% percent of all of our lives. Small-mindedness is possible in everyone about anything, so the chances of running into it or being it, is unquestionable.

I imagine teen-me would reply that they “don’t care what anyone thinks’. Or “no one can influence me”. But the advicie is going on my list and I’d give it a shot.

@micqu.org, Reflections of an unquiet mind… Oh my. Short and sweet writing that opened up a pandora box. “One day you will be content and that search to fill the void will fade”. Oh shit! What void??? That one I havent been able to define my entire life? Some people know theirs. They can pinpoint whats missiing. But some of us still dont know that the hell it is. If you think of yourself as different personalilities, then there is no way one or more of those rsonalitues doesnt have as a huge gaping void it teeters on.

Teen-me will look at now-me and tell now-me that I’m a fake because I have no voids to be filled. im growing up in middleclass, christian, nuclear family. my parents are perfect and i have everything i could ever need. No voids here……

@wonderingpilgrim wrote a beautiful poem to ponder on. “Let go of your timidity’. This one is an entirely different blog!! I’m 46 years old and im just now realizing that I may have been timid in my life. You wouldnt think it considering im 6’1 and strong, educated in a gazillion things, and would run into a burning building….but…

Teen-me would laugh out loud at the idea that we could ever be timid.

@carolcooks2 has me floored. Growing up in the 50s sounds divine! So simple yet so empowering. the “Dont follow blindly”….Holy crap. I grew when we didnt have access to the information universe. We were independent in the majority of ways. But despite figuring things out on our own we followed the flow of life blindly in most relevant areas. Now-me is finally opening up and accepting the idea that I did my own thing while following blindly.

Teen-me would tell now-me to disappear and never return because there is no way I would fall for anything that wasn’t true. Lies would be obvious becasue all soruces tell the truth. “They say it is”, therefore it’s true. It’s on the news, so its true. It’s in the history books so that’s how things really went. Everyone lives a life like I do.

So many of your blogs have opened up my mind. And within each blog Ive talked to teen-me and argued with teen-me. And gotten pissed at how naive teen-me was…at how easy of a target teen-me was.

But at the end of each conversation with myself, I saw how much grief I’ve given myself through every phase of my life. I see now that I never really valued myself.

So if I ever had the chance to go back and talk to teen-me, the first thing I would tell her is to value herself above all. Physically. Mentally. Spiritually. Because if I had valued myself then maybe I wouldn’t have wasted time being consumed with what small-minded people thought of me. I would have found ways to fill voids in my life in a healthy way instead of destructive ways. I wouldn’t have been strong in loving myself above others and not drain myself only to get nothing in return. I wouldn’t have spent so much time following and believing in the wrong people and things only to look back and see the waste of time and energy.

I would know how to show myself some grace.

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