“It may be a slow process, but quitting won’t speed it up”.(Some random Pinterest quote)
I have to take a break from myself often. My mind screams ugly things at me. Shitty things.
But I keep moving forward.
To be honest, most days I question if I’m moving at all because it’s at a snail’s pace. But I’m alive and I want to stay that way.
Some might say the afore mentioned quote isn’t relevant to me because I retired a few years early from the fire service. Some may even say I gave up.
But I didn’t give up, give in, or quit.
I did plenty while I served. I loved the that job. I’m not sure any job will ever top being salty.
But I hit a ledge a while back and I teetered on it for a long time. At this ledge, to step forward would be to never move forward again. To turn around, would be to move forward. So I turned around.
I released myself from seeing, hearing, feeling, smelling, and touching trauma after trauma after trauma. (Black Cat syndrome)
I released myself from the burden of carrying other people’s fear, uncertainty, fuck-ups, and sorrow. (Comes with being an Empath.)
I released myself from the bullshit of being a woman in the fire service who broke glass ceilings. (I will have to write a book on that topic.)
I released myself from the lying, hateful, and toxic people. (Some individuals encompassing all of these…)
I released myself from the battle of egos that kept everything we did in a vacuum.
I released myself from horrible sleep patterns, horrible eating habits, bad breath, and funky bathrooms.
I didn’t quit. I fucking freed myself.
If anyone is struggling, please don’t hesitate to talk to someone. Despite what you think and what your mind may scream at you, you are not alone.
Healing and freedom from your demons isn’t immediate. Snail’s pace for most of us. And it may not ever be complete. You will even have to get real with yourself. And when you do, you have to make a deal with yourself that you won’t step off the ledge if you get to it, but instead, turn around and glide along even at a snail’s pace.